About my husband…
So, it goes like this . . .
I need to tell you about my husband…
There I was, dressed to the nines, on my way to the IWOSC Holiday Gala.
Sitting in a brand-new car that I just bought, which will remain nameless.
I’m driving down the road, away from my house to meet up my with “group of the night” wackos, with whom I intend to tip several martinis and cause a general disturbance.
My friends and I made plans to all drive into the city in a car together so that we could talk and laugh… With one poor sap, I mean designated driver to be left out in the uninebriated cold. 😉
Not me! Yay!
So there I am, driving down the street, when I hear this horrible scraping sound near the bottom of my car.
I look around at the other cars and I’m thinking, “Who’s piece of crap is making that noise?”
I drive forward, but this sound seems to follow me.
I stare at the blue car next to me with a sort of frowny face – you know, that “Get that piece of crap away from me, you’re making me look bad” kind of face.
You know, a normal “girl” face.
Yeah. That face.
What do you expect?
I’m dressed up.
I’m going to a gala.
Stop freaking stop stalking me with your nasty-crappy broken car!
Jeez!
The blue car pulls away, and then I inch forward… only to hear that scrapy-rumply sound carry along with me.
WTF?
So I pull into the left lane, waiting for the red light, trying to figure out what the heck was going on.
I open my driver side door, and there it is…
A flat tire.
A flatter than flat tire, of the likes I have never seen.
Flatter than my grandma’s German pancakes!
Flatter than my first training bra!
Flatter than Nicki Minaj’s note that she holds in that one song– EEEEEEeeeeeeEEEEEEeeEee…
Now, that’s flat!
Holy F— sh–… well, let’s just say that my mouth wasn’t as pretty as my dress was.
Have to cross three lanes of traffic turning left, going about a foot per second…
That is slooooooooow, maaaaaaaaaan.
You can imagine how popular I was to the oncoming traffic.
I had so many middle fingers pointing at me, it probably comprised a whole hand… Maybe two… Maybe three.
Who’s counting?
Hey! I’ve got middle fingers of my own, you know.
However, I was so beautifully dressed, my hair so beautifully coiffed, and my my make-up so beautifully spread, that I was not about to tarnish all that darn beauty with a bunch of foul F-ing language…
So I am glad to tell you that I appraised the situation with inward “F. U’s.”
Inward.
You would have been proud of me.
I then had to pull into a parking lot at that horrifying-lightning-slow speed. I was as popular with the people now behind me as with the people I had just passed.
“Screw you!” I am thinking… Inwardly.
Ever inward.
This inward stuff sucks!
I finally found a parking space. One of those “small” ones. A freaking “compact” spot.
But hey, it’s all I got. I guess I can have to suffer the fact that someone will whack the sides my brand-new car door.
That almost irritates me as much as the flat tire.
So yes, yes! I AM LATE NOW.
I hate to be late.
And, now… I have to make the call of shame…
Crap, I hate that call of shame…
“Hey, I–”
“We’re on our way.”
“I got a flat tire. (Ugh.) Can you pick me up?” I ask my friends.
So we go through the verbal-telephone-dance of improper directions, until I am finally able to let them know (with some sort of minimal success) where I am deflated.
Now, the worst part.
I have to call my husband.
I hate being rescued.
I am a woman, God dammit!
I should be able to handle these things myself!
I should be able to call AAA, and have this flat tire… this tire that has ruined my day… and interrupted my night… fixed.
Right?
But heck… I’m all dressed up.
I have a party to go to.
I’ve got three martinis at least with my name on them.
And, those are big-assed martinis…
Call of shame #2…
“Hi hon–”
“Have fun tonight!” he says so sweetly.
I cringe.
Crap.
“I’ve got a flat tire.”
“Aaaah. I’m sorry. Just call AAA.”
“I can’t! I’m already late for the party!”
“But you’ve got a flat… you have to fix it.”
Ummmm.
And, this is where I will have to ask a question.
A difficult question, yes.
A painful question, especially for a woman such as I, considering my strength and resolve, the things I have gone through… yes, this next question will be particularly hard.
And then, after that question, there will be a sentence.
A breath, and then an utterance, and then a sentence.
A sentence that will determine what kind of man I married.
This next sentence, will tell me… if he is “hero” material…
Do I really want to have this confirmed… or denied?
Do I really want to know the answer to this question so early in our married life?
We are still on our honeymoon phase, for God’s sake.
Am I ready to find out… if he can be… a hero… for me?
I look at my watch.
I pretend it has a secondhand, so that I can imagine the seconds that are ticking by.
He persists, “You have your AAA card, don’t you?”
“Yeah, but… I… I’m… I mean… I’m late for the gala thing. And I don’t have time to wait for AAA…”
Silence on the other end…
I continue, “can YOU come after work and do the AAA thingy?”
There. I said it. I asked it.
Now I wait.
Hero? Not hero?
“You want leave your car there and pick it up after your party?”
“Well, I will have been drinking… you know…”
Which is true. I would be useless at that point.
I look for my ride. Not there yet. My party co-horts are still driving trying to find me. I have a little time… to wait… for my hero to emerge…
“No Problem.”
What? What am I hearing?
Is that my hero talking?
“After work, I’ll come and change your tire.”
“You will?”
He will?
He will!
Of course, he will!
“You’d do the same for me, right?”
I would?
I mean, “I would. I mean of course I would! Gosh-yeah. Extra keys are on the hook, okay?”
“Of course, baby! Now you go out and have fun at your party.”
Do I hear a Hero, talking or what?!
That’s a Hero, alright!
And, guess what? He’s MY Hero! And, dare I say it… It seems that he loves me!
Ooops! There are the girls, “I gotta go, honey. My friends are here. And, thank you! I love you!”
“I love you, too.”
Eureka!
As I stepped out of my 3/4-inflated car, and sashayed in all my doll-ness to the awaiting car of giggles and glee.
I looked back on my humbled car with confidence, knowing that my Hero was en-route.
Let me tell you – that is a super-fine feeling– to know that your Hero is on his way…
SOOOO…..Let it be known that I had a great time at the gala. Green Martinis and all…
And somewhere half way through the night, after he personally had changed my tire…
With his own two hands, no less… and a jack.
After he removed each lug nut, probably silently cursing my name…
And, dang that I missed that he was probably that scruffy-sexy-dirty… you know that kind of sexy-dirty… where he’s a man, doing manly things, getting manly dirty, and well dang, it manly-sexy hot!
Yeah, I missed all that…
Dang.
But, my phone buzzed as George was serving us decaf coffee and cream, my husband sent me a text, “Hope you’re having a great time. Car is back, the flat tire is changed.”
What a guy? What an amazing, wonderful guy.
And, the cursing part, well that’s okay, because he IS a man.
A freaking hot-sexy-manly man!
Man that uses his manly powers to have his way with me…
… … … 😉
And, well, ladies, I have to tell you that It’s good to test your men from time to time, to find out if they are heroes or not.
Because every once in a while, and I don’t mean everyday, but every once in a while you might just need your very own Hero.
Girls… and it’s okay to be rescued every-so-often… (not TOO often)… and how wonderful that it be from the one man in the world that you love the most.
(Yay!)
BTW, he’s MY hero, Chicas.
Back off, bi-atches!
Now I’ve got to go smudge my lipstick to thank him…
Well… he IS a man… 😉
Xoxo
Belle
—–
Digital Edition only $0.99
Writer’s Digest Awarded “E.B. White and Me.” Get your copy today!
Available for ALL DIGITAL READERS!
Available at Amazon!
xoxo
Belle
FIRST PLACE WINNER – MOFILM Los Angeles, Next SXSW competition in Austin, then Barcelona, Spain!
A 78th Annual Writer’s Digest Award Winning Author
Finalist 2011 Top 25 Semi-Finalist Los Angeles Comedy Festival
Finalist 2011 10th FilmMakers International Screenwriting Awards (1st Round Qualifier — Still in Running)
Finalist 2011 New York City Gotham Film Festival – Final 5th Place Comedy
Finalist and 1st Runner Up Screenwriting Comp
Top 24 Finalist Los Angeles Reel Film Festival 2011
Contest Top 20 Finalist Atlanta PeachTree Film Festival 2011
Top 24 Finalist SkyFest Film Festival 2011
— Announcing “PICKLED TINK” — Screwball Comedy Screenplay! Belle Karper,
— Announcing “MAKING UP WITH MORTELLA” — Dark Comedy about Good and Evil, the magic of MakeUp and the Beauty of the Heart.
Award-Winning Author, Screenwriter, Speaker, Humor, Comedy, Suspense, Tragedy www.BelleKarper.com Email Belle@BelleKarper.com Belle Karper’s – Beauties and Beasts – Blog! Baby! Blog! and Belle Karper Face Book & the popular Twitter-Belle – The Ridiculous Escapades of Belle Karper on YouTube!
All on Website Save it, Baby! Count me in!
And, of course, watch my Skydiving Video.
It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To… (Pics)
So, it goes like this . . .
There we were getting ready for our annual holiday ornament party. Friends had up from orange County and from various parts of southern California. My parents were here helping along with a couple that come up from Long Beach to help us run the bar and make our celebration terrific. My husband has known them for many years, and they are from the same parts of Pennsylvania.
So I climb in the shower, and I’m doing all my normal things. Which one of my friends would call the PTA.
What is the PTA?
Well somebody might think that PTA means Parent Teacher Association. And, they might be right if there were from Alabama, and NOT in the shower.
Hmmm… The PTA.
And, like I said I was in the shower doing my normal things, which included the PTA…
Puss, Tits and Ass.
Well, let’s be real… everything does need to be cleaned, right?
I have to look, smell and feel absolutely divine for my guests that are coming for the annual Christmas party… so everything gets washed including the PTA.
So, I climb out of the shower and I’m towelling off…
I am calm, because downstairs I know that everything is in place.
The Bar.
The Buffet.
The vegetable crudite display and the candles in the chandeliers were lit.
24 Christmas Trees dangling beautiful ornaments from around the globe …
Yes, now the number had grown to 24 trees. I can’t help it. They just look so beautiful… I can’t stop buying them.
It looked like a gigantic Winter Wonderland inside my house…
Sans the snow…
And, of course, no mittens or galoshes…
79 degree California weather with palm trees outside.
A giant California Winter wonderland, okay?
We Californians have got to do it our own way… I just throw a little “Alabama” in on the side from time to time — with a Y’all here, and a Y’all there! But, you understand that I do have some of the California affectations absorbed by now, and so… well, I don’t really do anything “small.”
So, yeah, I’ve got 24 Christmas trees running up my electricity bill. It’s beautiful, dang it. So get over it.
Yes, now there I am. Unusally calm with the impending knowledge that very shortly my home was going to be alive with about 80 other minds… and the fact that I was going to have to be witty, charming, and beautiful… Well, hell… I should have been freaking out.
Don’t worry…
My calm didn’t last for long.
The help was busy prepping the hot food and everything was on schedule.
So, there I was… still damp, with my PTA’s still tingling.
I had just begun to shimmy into my beaded dress because I wanted to do all my makeup and hair after I finally got my dress on.
It’s a fabulous dress, but I don’t know why I always buy such complicated clothing. Once again, not a “step in” dress… an “over the head” dress with straps going this way and that.
Just a fricking pain in the butt to get this dress on.
Holy crap, what a mess.
I am standing there contemplating just wearing the stinking thing as a partial top since it was strangulating to get the dress on over my head and wet showered hair. One arm in, one breast out.
No problem. Throw on a skirt and my left tit will be the hit of the party.
Right.
So, I finally get the frigging thing on.
Slide it down over my hips.
Thank God it still fits.
I’ve been eating my weight in turkey, brownies, fudge and cheesecake for the past two weeks. So, my ass is about the size of Oklahoma right now.
Thank God for the proverbial black dress…
… that stretches….
A silent “yay” for the creation of Spandex.
Bless this inventor, this Sultan of Elasticity. I will always display their label of honor on my expanding derriere…
So, I finally get this beautiful, god-forsaken, beaded strappy dress over my head with final authority, and slick it down the side of me.
Finally.
I need a frigging drink just to get this dress on.
Relax. Relax.
“Honey, can you get my a green apple martini from the bar?”
Yes, relax.
Help is on the way…
No sooner to I get the dress on… zipped up… looking in the mirror I turn left, and turn right… and of course, curse the size of my butt…
When all hell breaks loose. The fire alarm starts to go off at my house. It’s a loud blaring bell that is completely destructive to all your senses.
BANG, BANG, BANG.
CLANG, CLANG, CLANG.
WTF?
Aaaaaaaah! I am running down the stairs with a trail of obscenities still stabbing the air behind me. Shoeless, and bra-less. Boobs bouncing, and wet hair flopping.
80-some people are coming to laugh and schmooze in less than an hour. WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO? TELL THEM THE NOISE IS SANTA COMING…
AND COMING…
I NEED THAT ALARM OFF. PRONTO.
“What the hell is going on?” I scream.
I then begin pounding the number buttons on the alarm pad.
Pressing. Jabbing. Cursing. Screaming. But, the alarm keeps screeching.
7 minutes of this was enough to drive me out of my f-ing mind. “We’ve gone to all this trouble for this party, I need for you (the alarm) to shut the hell up! (:?sdt% qvio4$ — More obscenities) ”
I was screaming so many bad words, that I ran out of them and had to make some new ones up.
I finally pressed a series of numbers that seem to work…
Aaaaah. Sigh of relief…
Well, it worked for 10 ten seconds, and then:
BANG, BANG, BANG.
CLANG, CLANG, CLANG.
HOLY CRAP!
I have this vision of all these firetrucks pulling up elbowing my guests, “Excuse me Ma’am, but we’ve got a fire in this house to attend to.”
“A FIRE?” And, then of course my guests run screaming for their lives.
Nice.
Yeah, that’s the type of celebration I wanted to have that night. Right.
Fun. Fun. Fun.
Right.
Another 6 minutes of ear-piercing stressing-inducing mind-numbing noise enveloped my house. What the heck am I going to do?
Where is my alarm company?
“Ding-dong.”
BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM. Pounding on the door right next to where I was standing cursing and banging the alarm codes. I could feel the vibrations of the knocking.
I’m thinking, holy crap, the firetrucks are here and I am going to get a humongous bill from the City for a false fire alarm.
Shit.
I open the door, “Is everything alright here, ma’am? We got a signal at the station.”
It was a man from the alarm company dressed in a Kevlar vest and carrying a “piece.”
My eyes widen.
Double holy crap.
“Well, this alarm thing won’t go off, and in a matter of minutes I am going to be hosting a holiday party. I can’t have this thing going off! We’re supposed to be singing god-damn christmas carols! Help! I need help, man! I need this thing to stop to improve my stinking mood. I’m supposed to having fun, and I am NOT having any fun here, Sunshine.”
We finally got it to stop. “I can’t guarantee that it won’t start-up again,” he said.
Holy guaca-crapping-christmas-colored-mole.
“Well, that is the point when I will rip the freaking alarm out of the wall, sir.”
He looks at my husband. A knowing nod passes between them.
This must be male code for “and you have to live with this, huh?”
“Smile for the camera. You’re now part of this night,” I said.
So, I in barefeet and he in his kevlar, had just settled down the long alarm for a nap.
And, what to my wandering eyes should appear, but 80 familiar faces carrying ornamental reindeer.
Where up in the past the alarm rose such a clatter, and now it all behind us, it didn’t seem to matter.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and stopped all the ringing and turned with a jerk.
Laying his hand upon the side of his Glock, I thought for a moment he was going to whip out his …
Identification.
You guys are so naughty… I just love it!
And, giving a nod, out the door he did flee, this house of freakouts and terminal glee.
He sprang to his patrol car, gave a loud call, “Have a great party, my dear! Oh, Belle of the Ball!”
But, I heard him exclaim as he drove away faster, “If is goes off again, I know a man that’s good in repairing wall plaster!”
…
The party was a great success… and, the alarm did NOT go off again.
Thank you, jeeze Louise.
We drank, and we schmoozed, and some carols we did sing.
But, the alarm stayed silent, not nearly a ring!
Here are some pics from the party!
xoxo
Be well,
Belle
A 78th Annual Writer’s Digest Award Winner
S. Belle Karper, Author, Speaker www.BelleKarper.com
THE WIDOW WEARS BLACK – An Edgy Memoir from an Outspoken Survivor
Check out S. Belle Karper’s – Beauties and Beasts – Blog! Baby! Blog!
and Belle Karper Face Book & the popular Twitter-Belle – all on Website
Save it, Baby! Count me in!
OMG…What was I thinking?
So, it goes like this . . .
Well, I just don’t know how this happened…
I don’t know what I was thinking really…
It seems tonight that I have about 80 people coming over for a parent meeting for my son’s wrestling team.
AND, I have my Annual Holiday Ornament Party Saturday as well… but which I do not know how many people are coming… quite a few.
How could I have possibly booked two large events at my home in the same week?
Am I a glutton for punishment?
Do I like stress and tranquilizers?
How many times do I really want artichoke dip?
These are the questions that I ask myself.
Well, as always, when the coach was looking for somebody to step up to the plate to offer their home for a parent meeting… nobody raised their hands.
So, it’s sort of like I was standing still and the team stepped backwards.
I get to do this by default.
Although, I have to admit that the house looks stunning in preparation for the annual ornament party.
How I can call my annual ornament party and “annual party” is beyond me, since last year I didn’t even put up one single tree… and as I go through the house, I count a mere 18 (not a typo) decorated trees in our home from 10-feet tall on down.
Not to mention all of the doo-dah on the banister and the along stairwell…
or the decorations in the den…
or the decorations in each bathroom…
or… or… or…
That’s a lot of tinsel, baby…
Well, I don’t know what I was thinking but now my brownies are burning and I have to get back to them.
Holy crap… I’ve got a lot of partying to do!
I’ll check in with you after tonight’s devastation… I mean meeting. 😉
xoxo
Be well,
Belle
A 78th Annual Writer’s Digest Award Winner
S. Belle Karper, Author, Speaker www.BelleKarper.com
THE WIDOW WEARS BLACK – An Edgy Memoir from an Outspoken Survivor
Check out S. Belle Karper’s – Beauties and Beasts – Blog! Baby! Blog!
and Belle Karper Face Book & the popular Twitter-Belle – all on Website
Save it, Baby! Count me in!