Honeymoon Tag-A-Long . . . Country Lovin’

Dear Belle —

I’m the best man for a wedding, and the families are feuding on the east coast. I am single, never married and for some reason the bride and groom have looked to me for inspiration and they want to get married someplace fun.

Crazy kids… they’ve narrowed down the ceremony choices to the Johnny Cash Impersonator Wedding Chapel (don’t get this one at all) or a service that limos the group to Red Rock Canyon for an outdoor, sundown ceremony, or something on the beach. To me, that fits more of their personalities. I’m helping with the celebration and accommodations planning. Complicating matters, it is Easter weekend and we need to find a place that will accept their two Pit bulls.

Can you give me wedding advice and planning options? Be very, very scared for them!!!

Signed,

Lonesome Joe

—–

Dear Lonesome Joe,

So you’re going to be a honeymoon tag-a-long!!!???

Bummer. Everybody around you getting action and you sitting on your thumb?

Does that feel good? Well . . . possibly . . . but that’s another discussion.

I digress.

By the way, I digress . . . . a lot.

Don’t do the frigging beach, okay. It’s beautiful, but all that wind blowing the bride’s hair around . . . well she’ll be pissier than a one-armed paper hanger on a windy day. With hair blowing all around for the pictures. And, those pictures are fricking forever, man.

No beach.

Here is another suggestion, this is what a lot of people do when they have this problem (very common, actually), and look to you? Why, when you’re the odd one out? And, families fighting like those two pit bulls that you’re trying to house?

Suggest strongly that they get married in Vegas. I kind of like the Johnny Cash thing, in a weird sort of way. It’s fun.

In Vegas, tell or don’t tell. Whatever happens in Vegas . . . never happened.

I do? I do what? What? Vegas? Where? Who? When? Animals?

See, I can play dumb pretty well! You can, too, with a little practice. But, that, too is another discussion.

Digressing again.

After the “I do’s” you can split if you like, or hang around and attract the LO’s (leftovers).

Or, get out there and sway those hips on the dance floor and get your jizz pumping, you know, homey?

Let the parents do what they want on the east coast — screw them if they can’t take a joke. It’s moot at that point anyway, and if people get out of hand, they just say, “forget it, we’re married anyway. We were only doing the big party thing for you.”

That way EVERYONE gets what they want, including a Johnny Cash impersonator while they each get to be “The Rebel” when they “Walk the Line” at sunset in a canyon with red rocks (maybe they’ll see “Ghost Riders in the Sky” — who knows?) All the while, you’re sitting there screaming “Don’t Make Me Go.”

Stop your panti-waisting.

You should go because until you get married they’re “The Nearest Thing To Heaven” that you’ll know. Or, so your mother will tell you so you’ll finally get good and goddamn married by now. Just so you don’t wind up “Always Alone.” Well, what your mother doesn’t know . . .

Just let her think that your just a “Country Boy,” right? Let her think that you’re a “Momma’s Baby.” Good thinking. 😉 “No One Will Ever Know!”

With the Groomzilla being the “Man in Black” and Bridemonda gets to be the “The Girl from North County”, all dressed in white (with a big RED HEM!!!)

And, she better not wear a “Long Black Veil”) — But whatever she wears, she will be beautiful, not only because she is a knockout, but she knows “The Ways of a Woman in Love.”

(YOU won’t be invited for THAT part of the party you naughty little boy!!!)

After Vegas, they’ll both (and a Mr. Honeymoon tag-a-long, and you’ll be “So Doggone Lonesome” while they are making out on the way home, So you’ll “Cry, Cry, Cry” while your driving the truck. Saying to yourself, that “I Walk The Line,” while the hell am I not “Next In Line”!!).

You’ll all jump in the truck and get on the “Highway, Man” and say we “Guess Things Happen That Way.” All the while, you’ll be happy thinking that “I Was There When It Happened.” Well . . . not when IT happened . . . probably.

Just make sure that you don’t get stopped on the “Wide Open Road” by the “Highwayman” Patrol dude. No tickets, please!!!

Just say, “I Want To Go Home,” all click your ruby slippers togther three times, uh, wait, that’s a different story.

Digression. “Busted.”

And on the east coast, those family jewels will be climbing “The Wall.” The parents demanding a big party on “The Green, Green Grass of Home.”

Just so long as the Groom doesn’t give her a “Ring of Fire” or a reason to “Take her Guns to Town” — they’ll be alright. Because frankly, in the midst of all of this, she’s just trying to “Understand Your Man.” Wait . . . Your man?

What the hell is going on here?

I guess that’s what a “White Girl” and a boy do for a “Little Thing Called Love.”

“I just thought You’d Like to Know,” since you’re single and have never been married, you probably don’t know “The Story of a Broken Heart.”

Okay, “Boy Named Sue?” errr, uh, “Oh Lonesome Me,” uh, Joe.

Sorry, and uh “That’s Enough” and “Thanks a Lot,” and I know that it’s “Just about Time” that I end this “Country Trash” but I am having so much fun, but it’s “Suppertime,” but “While I’ve got it on My Mind” . . .

Oh, well, never mind, “What Do I Care,” . . . “Life Goes On!!”

So there. “Amen.”

“Goodbye Little Darlin’ Goodbye.” I’m done with your belly-aching. “These Hands” have got a wedding to plan, Sistah. I mean, Brother. If you’re not ready soon, you’ll only be it time for the “Second Honeymoon.”

I answered your question in freaking song. Or, maybe I didn’t, but who the hell cares, because it’s Goddamn witty, okay?

Now if you’re sober enough to count how many songs I have in there, then you aren’t the Best Man. Then, you’re just a Stand-up Guy. And, God knows, that we need plenty more of those.

I think maybe you are a Stand-Up guy, because these kids don’t know what the hell they want, or what the hell to do, but fool around? Am I right here?

By the way, how many songs were in there?

Be well, my Lonesome Joe. Since you sent me a picture, if I weren’t already hung up, I might’ve met you in Vegas . . . but, things being as they are . . . “I’ll Remember You” though.

You’ll do alright.

Be hung well,

Belle

So, y’all come back, now. Ya’ hear?

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S. Belle Karper, Author, Speaker www.BelleKarper.com
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About SheriBelle

Award-Winning Author & Screenwriter

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