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Farmville… It’s Time We Spoke Out! (Part 1)
So, it goes like this . . .
Okay. First, we need to set a few ground rules here:
1. I was never going to play Farmville.
I think that it is important to repeat that first assumption here, so I’m to give it a subheading, and going to call it 1A.
1.A. I was NEVER going to play Farmville.
I mean it.
2. I don’t know how I’m supposed to deny anybody wanting to give me “Free gifts.”
That’s just rude.
My Momma raised me better than that.
Well… she did…
I mean, if somebody wants to give me a free gift, who am I to deny them the intrinsic beauty of this sharing of two souls when one bestows a gift to me, and then I to them…
Of course, I am simply going to lovingly accept it.
“Thank you, Dahhhling, for the fabulous Banana Tree. It does so come in handy when my husband is away…” ;-)
Yes… I will love and adore… cherish, even… every gift.
Even if it’s a lowly apple, cherry or plum tree (lowly as in Farmville standards, of course).
No offense, Dahhhhlings!
By the by… neighbors and friends… keep those Olive and Pomegranate trees coming, ya hear!
Sorry, I had to put in a plug for which free gifts I prefer now.
How sad is that?
Well, so the Lord Almighty, and my Farmville neighbors all know that Belle (that’s me) is a loving and generous receiver of all gifts great and small, and likewise I am a loving and generous gifter.
Shut-up… I am, too.
Everyday, I make a list of the people that give me the Farmville gifts just to make sure that I reciprocate and don’t accidentally skip anybody.
I need a fricking virtual assistant to keep up with the stress of my Farmville.
3. I have never played an electronic game beyond “Guitar Hero.”
And for the record, I play a mean freaking guitar that has buttons on it, okay?
Don’t try to convert me to the “real” guitar.
Not going to happen. No way. No how.
I would never cut my acrylic nails, and besides I think those guys are just showing off. The guys playing with the wire stringy “old-fashioned” guitars. They might think that they are more talented than we…
The true heroes of the guitar… the guitars with color-associated buttons on them.
But, we know better… don’t we?
Yeah… guitars with wires on them are old news.
Get with the program, man!
Buttons are “in.”
Just give me a guitar with buttons on it any day… and a couple of double AA batteries, and a Wii that’s plugged in… and I play a mean three-fingered colored-coded guitar.
Yeah, I know it’s got more than three buttons on it… give me a break.
I can count.
It’s kind of like painting by numbers… but for the guitar… with three to five colors… of buttons.
But, I play on the EASY level — which means that I only play with three buttons… and that since I am a woman, it further means that I am entitled to believe that the EASY level means “Easy Listening.”
And, nothing else.
Don’t try to correct me.
We’d all hate for you to get on the “bad list” today.
So, let’s just understand here… just so that we are all on the same page and everything… I play on the “Easy Listening” level with three fingers, three buttons, and three brain cells.
Oh, yeah… And, I only play three songs… But, I am damn good at those three songs.
So, I am trying to apologize in advance that my field of play in the electronic alter-universe is limited, to say the least… and even with that analysis, I am being generous… even to myself.
4. I’ve never liked any of those electronic games.
My son plays them with unbelievable expertise.
Not that I’m thrilled with that knowledge, mind you.
I know this because if he had his druthers, he would be playing his Electronic Games every hour of every moment of every day.
Without pause. Without food. Without oxygen.
Heck, let’s face it — the whole world could be caving in and he would still be shooting out power blazers on a level 39 “Alien Cucumbers Battle Mario’s Speed Racer and Godzilla Fireballs.”
His mad pounding of the keys… well, I just don’t understand the hopping and jumping around and disappearing exploding fire-gonzos and stuff like that.
Big deal, right?
So what, that he hasn’t eaten… done his homework… or blinked his eyes in four hours…
He can’t be bothered.
So, no… I was never really good with the game thing.
Then all my peeps and buds on Facebook started sending me all these gifty things for Farmville…
A Pig here.
Two people even sent me some elephants.
Yeah… like those belong on a farm.
Guess what they make?
They make circus peanuts.
I hate to break it to you… but those are awfully large “circus peanuts” that come out of a cute little elephant, if you know what I mean.
And… I wouldn’t recommend eating any of those so-called peanuts, okay?
It’s just wrong.
Well… I had 82 (eighty-two) gifts sitting on my Home Page of Facebook.
That’s quite a bit, right?
But… remember, I was NEVER going to play Farmville.
I have got no time.
My son nearly died when I told him that I had DELETED THEM ALL.
Yes, I deleted all 82 gifts.
I mean, what hell am I going to do with a pig that finds truffles, right?
I don’t even freaking like truffles.
So, needless the say, “am-scray on the ig-pay.”
Until… my son showed me the Farmville light…
I never deleted any gifts again.
TO BE CONTINUED!!!
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S. Belle Karper, Author, Speaker www.BelleKarper.com
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